Home is Where We Are

Deployment has ended and he has been safely returned to me. All the beautiful little things have started to fill my days and they are incredible. It has been a wonderful homecoming. Excellent food, good wine, phenomenal company. My heart has never smiled wider. We have enjoyed home cooked meals like never before; including flavorful potstickers and curry chicken. The pup is overwhelmed and ecstatic that his daddy is home and he has his most favorite playmate back. I am so happy to have my husband, and best friend home. As we always tell one another, "Home is where we are." Welcome Home.

So Close!

We are down to the wire, folks.

I am a nervous wreck; every minor concern or superficial blemish around the house is now a glaring, ugly, horrible nuisance that must be rectified before my husband gets home. Circumstances that I have lived comfortably with for months now seem to be absolutely unacceptable and in desperate need to readjustment. For instance, during a puppy play session weeks ago, one of the dogs knocked the doors to the entertainment center off the track and broke the latch; it didn't bother me then but I am now frantically trying to contact the manufacturer to order replacement parts. I know my husband probably won't even notice these minor discrepancies but I just can't have him coming home to it. Not on my watch.

To give you an idea of what I have accomplished in anticipation of his homecoming:
Reorganized and cleaned all the closets (with the help of my lovely and talented twin sister)
Picked up all the poop (Thank you, Stinkin' Dawg Waste Disposal!)
Cleaned the carpets (Stanley Steemer took care of that and tossed in a free deodorizer spray)
Oil change for my car
Cleaned out the garage
Reactivated the cell phone
Reactivated car insurance
Coordinating with friends and family for his surprise :)

What still needs to be done:
Scrubbing the kitchen
Swiffer the hardwood
Deal with the clutter
Replace lightbulbs in outside lights
Order replacement parts for entertainment center
Clean the office
Oil change for his car
Serious vacuuming for my car (lots of dog hair)
Decorating for his homecoming

So, if you need to find me anytime in the interim I wish you luck. We are so close!

Counting the Days

We are counting the days, folks. I dare not share specifics but I will share my excitement! This is a very exciting time in my home; as it is our first homecoming experience, I am nervous and excited and overwhelmed and ecstatic and and... you get the idea. Let me suffice it to say that I am ridiculously, incredibly, unyieldingly stoked!

Counting the days has never been such an emotion roller coaster before... bring it on and bring him home!

Love and Deployment

Today feels just like any other day during deployment because every day I miss my soldier. All this talk of flowers, candy, and chocolate is ridiculous... all I really want is a hug and kiss from my husband. To feel his warmth would be a delight. The thought of his homecoming is what sustains me. But I know that I am not alone; all over this country there are incredible men and women apart from their beloved because the mission comes first. Barely legible letters, midnight phone calls, bruised care packages - these are the ways we say "I love you". And, I truly believe that these magnificent moments make separation bearable. 


Each day I pray that my husband and all our soldiers return home safely; asking St. Michael to bless them and keep them from harm. I remind myself that love is patient and endures all things; love never fails. I believe love conquers deployment with ease.  


To my friends who are far from their loved ones, hold strong and remain steadfast. Your tears are welcome and embraced, so long as you wipe them from your cheeks and remind yourself of the many blessings in your life.


To my friends who have been reunited with their soldier but wait patiently for full recovery, the circumstances may not be ideal but be thankful you are with him and he will be well soon enough. Your fears are understood, your anxiety understated, your strength inspiring. 


To my friends who are able to touch, smell, and taste their lover - do it! Your happiness is beautiful and should be celebrated. 


Happy Valentine's Day, friends.


"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflates, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Uncelebrations

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Happy 5th mesiversary to me and my husband! That's right, friends, today marks five months of wedded bliss. Well, not quite bliss but at least it is a milestone. I'm sure I would be much more cheerful if my husband was actually present for the occasion - it does, after all, align rather closely with St. Valentine's Day. But, I know that moping over the circumstances of deployment would be fruitless. Instead, I would much rather lavish in the happy thoughts of his safe return from down range. He will be home this year, ya know. Very exciting stuff! As always, the mission comes first.

Also, it is our puppy's 9 month birthday! A most momentous occasion, indeed. It is a pity that he is afflicted with yet another bout of puppy poops on this somewhat special day, but I'm sure he will rise above - he always does. Enjoy this lovely snap shot of my little guy:

I know it seems a bit queer to celebrate these seemingly ordinary occasions; however, I must comment that it is these singularly bland milestones that make my life so stinking wonderful. No really, each day is a gift and should be celebrated in one way or another - even if it means digging deep and remembering hard to conjure up a special, beautiful and terribly ordinary reason to celebrate.

So, happy tenth day of the second month of the beginning of the second decade of the second millennium!

Little Things

It is the little things, really.

I can't get over how cold it is here in the North Country. That being said, nothing warms my heart like a message from my husband down range. Moments like that may be the only time I allow myself to slow down because I truly treasure our love for one another. It may sound sappy to some, but those of you who know us understand. Little things, people, little things.

Not a moment goes by that I don't miss him, but I have found that if I fill my days with wonderful, happy moments sprinkled with upbeat and positive people and experiences then I don't have time to feel sorry for myself. It really is the little things - you can't deny it.

The day he deployed, I met two other Army wives who's husbands were also heading down range. We have since added another bouncy spouse to the mix, and our little group has blossomed as we continue to invite other military spouses to join in the fun. I still keep in touch with many of the Army wives I have met throughout my journey; the depth of our connection is astounding when one considers the distance and time that separates us. These "battle buddies" have become true friends of mine - I am grateful for having met them. It is wonderful to know that we can share our tears and our joys without concern of rejection or judgment or jealousy. That, friends, is why I will always call these girls my friends and why I will never forget them. Thanks, girls, you know who you are. Our lives are peppered with lovely little things.

Little things are why I am fulfilled and happy and blessed. For each day that passes, I remain thankful for all the little things in my life that make me laugh out loud and smile. Thanks to all the little things!

Late Night Calls

Last night I went to bed early, and do I mean early! I laid my head to the pillow at 8:33pm and sweetly dozed through the night. I am nearly positive that my husband called during my slumber and I hazily recall a whispered conversation of kind and loving words. I awoke this morning and was crushed that I had not shaken myself from my deep rest to talk with him. How disappointed he must have felt; to have called from across the world to hear only murmurs and yawns of his comfortably sleeping wife. It is my sincerest hope that he calls each and every night, and hopefully the next time he calls my body and mind will jump to the ready and engage him in conversation. For now, I can only wait for the phone to ring with an indistinguishable caller listed on the Caller ID... and maybe take a nap so I won't be so tired so early.

"Good night." he says as he eats his breakfast.

"Good Morning." I whisper and fall back to sleep.

Grace

Recently I have experienced frequent moments of overwhelming calm - it is a rare and welcome experience in my rather frenzied life. I can not quite pinpoint the source of this beautiful stillness but I consider it just another instance of grace. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe, can't speak, can't fight anymore, and I am buried beneath a substantial and unavoidable world that neither understands nor cares for my personal journey. It is in these most damned of moments that I close my eyes and ask, humbly and simply, for intercession. During this period of separation and deployment I find I most often turn to the Holy Virgin Mary and St Michael the Archangel, patron saint of soldiers. Whatever my worries, their prayers calm me and I am able to regain my strength and forge on through this frantic and crazed world with just a touch of grace. 

Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our safeguard against the wiles and wickedness of the devil. Restrain him, O God, we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly Host, by the power of God, cast into Hell Satan and all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin and destruction of souls. Amen.

Friday Night Fun

Imaginary Friend: "So, what did you do on Friday night?"

Military Spouse (me): "I completed the packet required for my background check. Riveting 5 hours!"

You can be jealous - I know my Friday night rocked the socks off your night. This is just the tip of the iceberg of exciting events that happen in my household. Last night I vacuumed AND did the dishes. I almost broke a sweat. I'm just sayin'. Life is busy around here. You don't even know (unless, of course, your spouse is also currently deployed... then you know exactly what I'm sarcastically yet genuinely referring to).

Truth be told, I am so bored most nights that I watch really bad movies on Netflix; you know the kind that only have two stars. Desperation, friends, has a new face... deployment is the worst of antecedents. It leads military spouses to eat, work out, clean, sleep, read, watch really bad movies, call friends for hours, Google endlessly, talk to strangers, and worst of all... blog! It is a vile beast, but we serve our time and then poof we disappear when our soldier returns. Only to resurface for air and the occasional blog update.

Until then, please accept my sincerest apologies and deepest sympathies. I can only pray that this is remotely interesting and remarkably comical. I hope you laugh while reading this, because I do!

Enjoy your Friday night - even though we both know mine was way cooler.

0200

In the middle of the night, out of a deep sleep, I roll over, open my eyes and see the little green light blinking on my phone. Without hesitation or a doubt in my mind I somehow just know that it is my husband on Google Talk. I never remember hearing the notification; I always remember the conversation when I wake up the following morning. It is a wonderful feeling. I can only equate it to a dream and he words feel close, real. I often fall back asleep and dream with him. I write "with him" rather than "of him" because he is with me; it's ok if you don't understand. Sometimes I don't either, but that is the beauty of it. And the most beautiful moments are sometimes at 0200.

Staying Busy

I can't decide if being busy is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, it is great because it keeps my mind off my current status as a geographic bachelorette, but on the other it makes my head spin. And what to make of full days when they aren't worth writing about. A day of cleaning or errands or subbing or snow just doesn't seem blog worthy. I guess I'm just in a rut. The best thing for a rut is to just keep plugging away and make something about each day special enough to share. I have been so focused on reading before bed that I haven't been tending to my digital journal... shame on me. Alright folks, I am going to do my best to get back into the swing of things and resume the regular posts and insights. Enjoy :)

Boredom is Not an Option

I started a list of things to do to avoid boredom. It started out with errands and other household items and then expanded into something much more meaningful...

Bored is not an option: 2011
vacuum
swiffer
dust
TA50
garage
closet
clean
laundry
read a book
write a letter
play with Ty
walk the dog
blog
sort/file paperwork
volunteer
photograph
create
build
explore
try something new
swim
yoga
stretch
call someone
plan something
take a class
find yourself lost
sing
dance
smile
laugh

This list is posted prominently on my refrigerator as a constant and pleasant reminder.
What do you do to avoid boredom?

A Good Laugh

Some days have harder moments than others, and on those days I need to laugh. No, rather, I require laughter.

Whether I watch America's Funniest Videos or play with Ty or Youtube funny videos or watch a Disney movie... I always get a good laugh. Something about laughter heals all my aches and pains; makes everything seem simple and easy again. It is good to laugh. And on the few especially hard days when a chuckle or a snort simply won't do I require something grander. I need a large, long, and nearly inappropriately loud laugh that brings me to tears. Because if I am going to cry, I better be laughing, too. And, if I am blessed to be in the company of others then I hope to share that joy, that laughter, with them. Because around here everyone could use a good laugh.

Merry Christmas, friends

This year's holiday season is bittersweet. While I am ecstatic to see my friends and family, I am reminded that my husband is far from home. This is our first Christmas as a married couple, and we are apart. My Christmas day, however, was wonderful! The magical morning started with instant messages from Matt, followed by presents with family, Christmas Day Mass, dinner at Aberdeen Barn, Harry Potter 7.1, and at the end of evening he called from down range. The true magic of the season was present in my family's home... and then it began to snow. As you know, I think snow is beautiful. What a wonderful Christmas. I can't wait to do it all again when he comes home. 

Merry Christmas, friends! Special thanks to all those dedicated to service and are therefore separated from their loved ones this holiday season. God bless.

The Last Thirty Seconds

Each time an unusual phone number appears on my caller ID I become anxious and overjoyed at the thought that it could be my husband. I mute my surroundings immediately - it makes no matter to me if it is technological, animal, or human - any and all noise ceases. I take a deep breath and answer with a simple "Hello". My heart soars when I hear his familiar, loving, and tired voice make its way across the world and to my ear. For the next however many minutes I am the luckiest girl alive, nothing can bring me down from my happy place, and I feel so overwhelmingly at peace to know he is safe and happy. The conversation is flooded with laughter and questions and constant reminders of "I love you" - as if we could have forgotten. We talk about anything and everything we can during the brief moments we have together. The topics range but are never heavy; talk of home is nostalgic and hopeful as we talk of homecoming plans and upcoming milestones. There is almost always mention of the puppy and how big he has become, along with less popular talk of puppy poops and chew toy crises. It doesn't really matter what we talk about, it only matters that we talk, that we get to share those moments.

But, no matter what the conversation, the last thirty seconds are always the hardest part. This is the part of the conversation filled with sadness smothered by upbeat talk of "I'll talk to you again soon". The moments of held back tears and blowing kisses through the phone. Time seems to slow and I reluctantly allow "Goodbye" to pass my lips; my heart beat becomes irregular, I feel myself become warm, and I swallow the tears I know will follow the phone call. That is the part of the conversation I dread most. I feel myself physically change as the conversation draws to a close. Do I allow my emotions to leak through the phone? Of course not. He doesn't need to hear me cry, he knows I miss him terribly and that I cry in his absence. He needs me to be strong. He needs me to love him. He needs me to say "Goodbye, I love you" at the end of those damned thirty seconds. And I do.

Surviving Deployment: A Beginner's First Attempts

I am not an expert on the subject of deployment; however, I am an expert when it comes to loving my husband. This is the only reason that I will survive this deployment. Not because I am smart or strong or confident (although those things will certainly help), but because I love my husband - that is why I will survive this deployment. It seems ridiculous but I believe it to be my source of strength these past few days. I have no experience with this - absolutely none. I am in a new place with only my dog as my constant companion. I am also madly in love with my husband. He told me that my tears break his heart, and to think that I will be sad in his absence is awful. So, I made him a promise: I will not feel sorry for myself; I will smile often and laugh out loud; I will continue to love him with all that I am. This is my mission while he is away. I will find strength in myself. I will enrich my life with wonderful and beautiful moments. I will smile often and remember that I am truly blessed. And, when all else fails I will remind myself that weaker people have overcome greater obstacles. This is my mission.

Army Wife Network

This past Friday I participated in a Spouse Field Exercise hosted by the Army Wife Network. No, we didn't do push-ups, ruck march, or complete an obstacle course (but that would have been pretty cool, too!). Instead we (that would be me and the 149 lovely ladies I spent the day with) descended upon the Commons at Fort Drum and enjoyed a day full of sage advice, funny stories, and great ideas for surviving a deployment. Oh, and did I mention that there was cake? It was a good day.

During the event there was much mention of finding a "battle buddy". I thought this idea was pretty unique - how many other people (outside the Armed Forces) do you know that use words like "battle buddy", "opsec", "debriefing", and "sitrep" in normal, everyday conversation? This group of ladies have been there and done that. It was wonderful to witness the camaraderie when these women from all different backgrounds, cultures, and generations came together, often with only one thing in common - love for an American soldier. That is all you need to be a part of this club, this community. 

I do want to make sure that I give kudos to the ladies in charge of the Army Wife Network: Star Henderson & Tara Crooks. These two are busy finding every possible resource for Army spouses and I can't thank them enough for their hard work! If you ever need information, ideas, or resources visit www.ArmyWifeNetwork.com. I already bookmarked the site and visit it often. I just hope that this can help others, too. 

Watch out world! This Army wife is digging in for the long haul! 

My brain feels squishy

This week has been filled with an assortment of events. My brain is having the hardest time just focusing on one, so let's suffice it to say that much has happened this week. It really seems like it has flown by, and we are rapidly approaching Matt's deployment date. It just doesn't seem real. My brain feels squishy.

I meet folks that offer advice and support; offering me reading material, websites to visit, people to call. But what I really need is a friend. Moving to a new place is pretty easy, aside from that one bump in the road. Don't get me wrong I have friends all over the place that I love dearly - it's just weird not seeing them face to face or talking on a regular basis. For now I have the constant presence of my husband, a warm, loving man and that is incredible. I soar when he hugs me. I float when he holds me in bed. I laugh out loud over our dinner conversation. I am going to miss him so terribly. My solution for deployment: read all that is offered to me, reach out to people when I am weak, and never stop writing letters to my soldier.

I have the highest of hopes that, although my brain feels squishy, this will be an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to love harder than ever before.