The Last Thirty Seconds

Each time an unusual phone number appears on my caller ID I become anxious and overjoyed at the thought that it could be my husband. I mute my surroundings immediately - it makes no matter to me if it is technological, animal, or human - any and all noise ceases. I take a deep breath and answer with a simple "Hello". My heart soars when I hear his familiar, loving, and tired voice make its way across the world and to my ear. For the next however many minutes I am the luckiest girl alive, nothing can bring me down from my happy place, and I feel so overwhelmingly at peace to know he is safe and happy. The conversation is flooded with laughter and questions and constant reminders of "I love you" - as if we could have forgotten. We talk about anything and everything we can during the brief moments we have together. The topics range but are never heavy; talk of home is nostalgic and hopeful as we talk of homecoming plans and upcoming milestones. There is almost always mention of the puppy and how big he has become, along with less popular talk of puppy poops and chew toy crises. It doesn't really matter what we talk about, it only matters that we talk, that we get to share those moments.

But, no matter what the conversation, the last thirty seconds are always the hardest part. This is the part of the conversation filled with sadness smothered by upbeat talk of "I'll talk to you again soon". The moments of held back tears and blowing kisses through the phone. Time seems to slow and I reluctantly allow "Goodbye" to pass my lips; my heart beat becomes irregular, I feel myself become warm, and I swallow the tears I know will follow the phone call. That is the part of the conversation I dread most. I feel myself physically change as the conversation draws to a close. Do I allow my emotions to leak through the phone? Of course not. He doesn't need to hear me cry, he knows I miss him terribly and that I cry in his absence. He needs me to be strong. He needs me to love him. He needs me to say "Goodbye, I love you" at the end of those damned thirty seconds. And I do.